That Headline About Toilets

"The headlines you're writing just aren't click bait-y enough," he sighed. – Jen Luby

Ruby swallowed her aggravation and nodded. "Got it," she muttered. She attempted to not bang her head on her desk or throw her laptop across the office. It took unwrapping three chocolate kisses in a row to reach sufficient calm. All the while, Ruby muttered under her breath, "We're a toilet company. We make toilets and plumbing fixtures. How click-baity could I possible go with that?"

She tried researching epic toilet failures, things living in toilets, things getting flushed, and anything bizarre involving toilets. They'd already covered the alligator angle. 101 uses for toilets in hurricanes? Finally, the clock on her laptop ticked over to 5:00 pm. Ruby smiled, logged off, and gathered her things. There was the usual scrum around the biometric timeclock, but it was finally Friday night. And Friday meant freedom for the next two whole days. Ruby was practically salivating. Yoga pants were singing their siren call across the city, but first, drinkies with the girls.

Ruby placed her thumb on the pad of the timeclock. With a sharp prick, it took a drop of blood. Ruby never quite understood why a toilet factory had such a high level of security, but the pay was far higher than the other copywriting gigs. As was the aggravation some days. Her co-workers were a cheerful bunch, though, and the benefits were good. Ruby had been socking away into the company 401K like she promised her dad she would do. She couldn't help but look forward to the monthly gossip with her close girlfriends. As with any office, there was a certain level of drama. Mark in accounting was having an on again, off again affair with Brendan in sales, which meant Ruby spent a fair bit of time consoling one or the other of them.

She wriggled her ankles in her black stilettos. They had a casual Friday policy, but Ruby was secretly hoping drinks with the girls also involved flirting with guys. She'd worn her new scarlet halter top and grey pencil skirt on purpose. The autumn air was brisk as she stepped into the company parking lot. Ruby caught the shuttle to the subway and pulled a romance novel out of her voluminous purse. The words blurred on the page as she tried in vain to come up with a click-baity title for the blog post she was working on. It wouldn't let go of her brain, it seemed. Ruby stared at the book and wondered if she could incorporate a swashbuckling pirate into the Silver Slipper line of executive toilets. God, did she need a night out.

The Lamplighter was hopping. It was the newest, hippest thing on the bar scene. Daphne waved to Ruby from the high-top table they'd scored in the back. Daphne was experimenting with hair color again, Ruby noted. Tonight, it was acid blond with red highlights. Ruby fingered her own pale brown curls. She frowned slightly. Her hair was perhaps her best feature. Her brown eyes were boring, her figure average no matter how much time she spent at the gym. Patricia, Jennifer, and Alicia rounded out the group. Everyone was talking a mile a minute and impatiently waiting on fruity cocktails. The place was a mob scene. Ruby scanned the faces, wondering if tonight The One would appear. Probably not, so she turned to her girls to tell them the latest escapades of Brendan and Mark.

Later, she'd realize it was his cologne that had first caught her interest. The scent of whiskey and warm spice caressed her nose before Ruby turned and caught the eye of the man in designer jeans. He had an air of rugged capable male with a little bit of polish. Black hair in waves and intense blue eyes raked over Ruby. She flushed and dropped her gaze. He probably wasn't looking at her. Alicia was the most striking of their group with her mixed African and Asian heritage. Ruby turned back to the table and took a large sip of her cosmo.

"Excuse me," said a deep male voice, as he lightly touched Ruby's elbow.
She looked up into those blue eyes. Her brows flew up like startled birds. "Me?" she whispered.
He smiled slowly, "Yes. You."
Ruby shook her head in denial. She could count on one hand the number of times someone had asked her out in a bar. "You must be mistaken."
He shook his head, the smile lingering on his lips. "I don't think so." He leaned in and tapped her now empty glass. "May I buy you a drink?"
"Um, sure. A cosmo. Thanks," Ruby stumbled to a halt. She turned back to her girlfriends who had gone silent as the man sidled into the crush. "What?" she asked.
Patricia chuckled, "Someone's had his eyes on you since you walked in. Lucky."
Ruby's fingers flew to her lips. The other girls nodded and simpered as the man worked his way back through the crowd, cosmo in one hand, whiskey in another.
"Ladies," he murmured and nodded at the table. He turned to Ruby and handed her the drink. "Think we could slip away to somewhere quieter?" he asked.
The girls were practically hissing like teapots on the stove. Ruby slung her bag over her shoulder and said, "Sure."
Feeling anything but, she followed the mystery man into the dining room. He evidently had a table waiting as they were immediately escorted into a secluded booth.

Ruby settled into the leather banquette as a waiter placed menus in front of them. She was desperately nervous. She wondered what this man wanted. Well, she thought, let's start at the beginning. Ruby stuck out her hand across the table.
"Hello, I'm Ruby. Pleased to meet you. And you are?"
His eyes crinkled in amusement. "I'm Jake." And he shook her hand. It was a good handshake, firm, but not a wrestling match. His hand was warm and dry, also a good sign. Ruby smiled hesitantly back at Jake.
"Why me?" she asked.
"Why not you?" he answered. The corner of his lips twitched into a half smile.
"Um, because this never happens to me."
"I don't see why not. You're clearly an attractive, intelligent woman."
Ruby swallowed her next comment. Intelligent?
"And I wanted to get to know you, which is hard to do in a loud, crowded bar in front of your girlfriends."

Ruby thought she may already be in love with Jake. She had a shaky history of serial monogamy. Maybe he was The One. Jake scanned the menu in front of him.
"Are you hungry?" he asked politely.

Ruby was starving. The salad she'd had for lunch was far far away. She heard her mother's voice reminding her not to eat like a pig, especially on a date. She shrugged her shoulders.
"Sure. I could eat," and Ruby glanced at the salads on the menu.
"I'm told that the duck is amazing and the salmon looks pretty good too," commented Jake.
Ruby loathed salmon, but duck, that was a possibility. The waiter took their orders and Jake refocused his attention on Ruby. She felt a little bit like a mouse sizing up a cat.
"So, tell me about yourself. Where do you work, are your parents still alive, what do you like on your pizza?" murmured Jake.
"Uh, OK. I'm a sausage and green pepper person, my parents passed away a few years ago, and I really don't want to tell you where I work."
"Why? It can't be that bad?"
"Oh, yes, it can."
Jake leaned in a bit. "Now you've peaked my curiosity," he playfully demanded.
Their waters came and Ruby tried to let the job thing slide.
"My turn," said Ruby. "Hmmm, what do you like to do on the weekend for fun, do you have any siblings, and how do you take your coffee?"
Jake smiled and Ruby melted a bit more. "I take my coffee black with honey, I have a sister two years younger, and, let's see, I like to go camping with my dog."

They kept to simple banter for the rest of the meal. The duck was heavenly and Ruby threw caution to the wind and cleaned her plate. As they contemplated the dessert menu, Jake asked, "So really, where do you work?"
Ruby sighed. Fine. He asked for it. "I'm one of the social media coordinators at Anderson Toilets and Plumbing Fixtures." She looked at her hands, not willing to risk ridicule. "I write blog posts about toilets and toilet accessories."
"Hmmm," replied Jake. "Well, I suppose someone has to. Are they serious posts or do they let you have some fun?"
Ruby's eyes darted to his. "Really? You're not going to make fun of me?"
"Why would I?" Jake asked, amused.
"It's just, like, the stupidest job in the world."
"Well, why don't you like it?"
Ruby sighed. "I actually do like it, for the most part. I have to come up with click-bait articles on the different lines. It gets flat out ridiculous sometimes, but I get to write."
"I'm going to need to know more about click-bait toilet blog posts." Jack murmured and leaned in.

Ruby regaled him through coffee with all the trashy posts she'd written and how she was stuck on the next one. They discussed the merits of toilets as trophies, decorator items, and if they could be used as weapons. Ruby was laughing so hard, she was in tears. Jake kept coming up with more and more fanciful ways to use a bidet/toilet combo. At last the check came and Jake pulled out his wallet. As they rose to leave, Jake lightly grasped her elbow and escorted her to the door. Ruby tingled at his touch, but she was a good girl. There would have to be a couple more dates before she'd indulge this fantasy. Ruby glanced at Jake as they approached the front doors. He was too good to be true.

They paused a moment in the cool evening air and Ruby shivered a little.
"Now, what?" she asked, suddenly nervous again.
"Well, I'm wondering if you'd do me a favor." Jake turned to look her square in the face.
Ruby hitched a shoulder. "Depends on the favor, I suppose."
"If I said it was life and death, would you?"
"Um, sure?"
"Then I'm going to need you to get me inside the toilet factory."
Ruby's jaw dropped open. "You want to what?"
"I need to get inside Anderson Toilets. It really is life or death." Jake's tone was serious.
"I knew this was a set up," growled Ruby.
"Well, a bit, but I did really enjoy our conversation," said Jake a bit sheepishly. "If I explain while we drive, will you let me?"
Ruby's curiosity had been ignited. Normally, she didn't get into cars with strange men, but this whole night was totally out of the realm of her experience.
"Fine. This I gotta hear."

Jake explained on the short drive out to the factory campus that it really was life or death. Anderson had been commissioned to design and build the personal toilet of no one other than Kim Jong-un. Ruby was floored. She knew that Anderson built top-of-the-line products, she wrote about them after all, but she had no idea about this. Jake worked for the government and his mission was to booby-trap the toilet. He let her study his ID by the dashboard lights. Ruby thought that if that wasn't click-bait material, she didn't know her social media. Curiously amused by the deviousness of the plot, Ruby agreed to get Jake into the factory. As long as he showed her this super-secret toilet.

They pulled up to the gate guard who somehow believed Ruby's story about forgetting her laptop. Jake parked under a tree in the vast empty lot and they quickly walked to the entry doors on the end of the building. Ruby intentionally avoided the main lobby. The guards knew they were there, and she didn't feel like explaining to the night desk her trumped up excuse. Ruby slid her thumb onto the biometric pad and winced as it took its drop of blood.
"Clever, that," commented Jake.
"We think it's a bit much, but hey, if you're building toilets for dictators, I suppose you can't be too careful."
Jack chuckled as they slipped inside.

He swiftly led her through the offices and into the manufacturing section. She had to pass another set of biometric locks before they fetched up in a partitioned corner. There, on a plinth, stood a shining gold toilet. Ruby recognized the Silver Slipper shape, only sleeker and sharper. It really was the most amazing toilet she had ever seen. And she had seen a lot of toilets. Jake let out a low whistle as he walked around it.
"I'd be afraid to sit on that naked. It's too beautiful," he quietly commented.
Ruby stifled a giggle. Quickly, Jake reached into a pocket and pulled out a small flat object about the size of a credit card. He clambered up the plinth and slipped it under the rim. Jake climbed down and nodded at Ruby, "Done."
"That's it? Your Mastercard is going to blow Kim Jong-un to smithereens?"
"Yep. It ships in the morning, so we had to do this tonight."
Ruby shook her head. "I'm pretty sure I'm fired once they look at the security records."
"Don't worry, Ruby. I'll take care of you." Jake patted her shoulder. "You may need a new name, though."
Ruby thought for a moment. "I've always liked the name Constance… Connie. It has far more dignity than Ruby."
"Constance it is, then." Jake looked around. "We need to get moving."

A week later, the supreme leader was dead. The press had a field day with the headlines and memes piled up quickly. Constance smiled as she pulled her short blond hair through her fingers. Jake was picking her up in an hour. They were going for pizza.